It is surprising to me that while I can recall so vividly, the many memories of my childhood, this period of my life (Jan. 1946 – Sept. 1947) seems barren by comparison. I know that I was much less sure of myself as I was about to face this second probationary period than I had been facing the first.
When I had the left the boarding school to enter the convent, I had done so, without a great deal of serious thought. I had consulted no one. With about as much stability as a fluttering butterfly, I ignored the advice of my mother, who was well aware of my immaturity, and the warnings of my sister, Mary, who had witnessed nuns in her work at the Indian reservation. I never, even in my spookiest nightmares, had any concept of what was entailed in embracing this life that was so very alien to me.
My Baltimore Catechism had taught me that when I was baptized, the water symbolized that my old life had been washed away. Jesus had won the battle over sin and death. Sin had no more control over me. One day when I was about 11 or 12 years old, I personally choose to let Jesus work out His salvation in me. Now on the eve of a new stage in my life, I struggled with the convent’s idea that somehow I had to die all over again.
I had yet to learn that if one is wise, every choice in life should be made only after sincere consultation with the Holy Spirit. His consul may come from the wisdom of legitimate authority or from His whispered message heard deep in the heart.
It was only much later in life that I learned that God is in no way obliged to finish what He did not start in the first place. Even now, I cannot say with certainty that I was, indeed, called by God to this convent life. Yet, I still firmly believe in God’s Divine Providence. My mother had taught me that lesson. She passed on to me her belief that God has a plan for each of us.
Through life we constantly make choices. In fact, life is all about making free choices. That is what separates us from the animal world. Additionally, she taught me that we have to face the natural consequences of those choices. As children of God, we can be absolutely sure that God is right there with us, every step of the way even in our most immature, foolish and even sinful choices. No matter how “dumb” we may become, God is ever at work within us to separate our sinfulness from our righteousness in Him. He will help us see how to make the most of even a very bad situation. As mother often told me, “God can write straight with crooked lines. What Satan means for harm, God uses for our good.”
Even if that life is filled with a comedy of errors, God will see us through, stepping aside when we make bad choices, but ever ready to help the moment we call upon Him, as we admit our willfulness. He will show us His way. His way may not be according to our time plan or what we had envisioned, but rest assured, His way will always prevail for those who seek Him.
Whatever compelled me to make the choices I did, those choices would change my life, and would point me down a path where I found some folly and some wisdom. I had to learn the hard way how to discern the difference. I am still learning. If I could have seen how long that path extended, I am sure that I would not have had the courage to forge ahead. I did not really forge ahead. A better description of the manner of my journey would be that I muddled my way through, despite my doubts and misgivings.
As I began this second stage of convent training, I knew it would be more of same experiences as I had in the postulate, except that it would be more rigorous. At least that is what Mother Guirec forewarned us in tones of gloom and doom, as we were about to leave for the Novitiate in Spring Valley, Illinois.